Change & Travel

I moved here for change. To save myself from the death I felt would occur if I continued on in the place overcome by the mundane. Some of my friends have made me feel as though I am selfish for moving. Here I am literally wasting away weight wise, so stressed out, not sleeping, my mind and soul in turmoil, my heart breaking daily, and I'm selfish for getting out. Am I truly? Now that my mind feels free, logic tells me perhaps not.

So here I am. In a new place, with no one to understand me or know me. And sometimes it makes me sad. But sometimes it's nice. To have loved ones around you and still feel alone is the worst kind of loneliness I think. But I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. Twice to be exact.. but once I only thought I was wrong. ;)

Haha, just keeping it light. It's a joke my father used to tell.

I miss travel. I have friends coming back to the States from Suriname, because of a pregnancy, and I wish I were taking their place. (Though I'm no teacher.) I miss my Ugandan children, and feel guilty for how our group let them down by not returning. Did I break a heart? Sometimes I remember the day we left.. and my desire to stay. Was it wrong to return? Then again, perhaps it was easier to stay. I mean sure, 3rd world conditions aren't exactly easy.. but the life's simplicity... Maybe it is more awkward and difficult to live in such a supposedly advanced culture, because of the complexity it brings with all the ways we require communication, the social standards.

My highschool sweetheart used to say that he often debated wanting to be a plain ol' carpenter when he "grew up". The life -a simple one. He could see himself peacefully at it his whole life. And I understand what he meant.

Do I have a place in this world? Is there somewhere I'm supposed to be, that I'm not? If so, why is it oh so hard to discern. If not, then why am I selfish for seeking the things out that put me at peace? Why can't everyone be pleased -all our loved ones? So many conflicts of interest.

Just more biases.