So...you can tell that the type of relationship this couple has is one that is not only awesome, but full of reliability, trust, love and best of all: humor! I hope this new couple makes it past the 50%...
And this is how a wedding should be: FUN!
Hope you guys enjoyed as much as I did.
P.S. Sorry for being gone for so long...I've been sick. A couple of doctor's visits later, I hope I'm good to go, but we'll see...
Mel
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Family Politics Cont'd.
"Why can't we all just get along?!"
The phrase often repeated by my dad (and brought up in a previous comment) growing up, sometimes jokingly, most of the time purposefully... With five kids in the same house there was a lot of cause for this mantra.
So many different opinions arise in the presence of more than one person, that sometimes it can be hard to "maintain your cool" when someone is blatantly disagreeing with you, and maybe even doing so disrespectfully. As far as relationships with parents, I have a pretty good relationship with mine. We've always been pretty honest with each other, and even when we disagree, we try to do so respectfully. By this I mean that I'm "grown up" and make my own decisions, and my mom knows that. I almost always ask my mom's opinion, however, because on the other hand of my independent learning, she's done it all before. She knows what she's talking about most of the time, and is not just blowing smoke.
The guideline I try to always use is mutual (you're gonna get tired of this word) respect. Respect the fact that the other person (family member) is their own person, and they are going to think what they think regardless of what you say. And in regards to weddings, they are probably going to keep wanting what they want. On the other hand, so are you, and that doesn't mean you have to back down.
Basically, remember to listen. Listen to the ideas being bounced around, listen to the reasoning behind them, and then decide. The key word is listen, but if you still feel the same way, there are respectful ways of saying that you understand and are still going to go with your decision. This DOES apply to a wedding. And if you have particularly difficult in-laws or particularly difficult parents, at the end of the day, it's your wedding, your set of memories and photos, and you should enjoy it.
Now, this doesn't mean you should be an unreasonable bridezilla or a relentless groom, but you don't want to get to the big day, and look around you and realize that nothing you wanted materialized. Knowing how to say, "No.", respectfully (again, sorry for the repetitive use of the word) is important.
Given, this is much easier said than done. And to use another, maybe tired-out phrase, "Do unto others..." Try and understand where the other person is coming from. It really does help you be more understanding and kind in your words (uh-oh..starting to sound a bit preachy) when you're disagreeing with someone.
To use a personal example, so I don't come across as the all-talk, "do-this, do-that" chick trying to give everyone my "great advice", I had dinner tonight with my boyfriend's family. It was trying, to say the least. But isn't every family in its own way? At one point, someone of authority (sorry for the vagueness) was offended by something I had said. A little background: what I said is of no importance, but I think the person's opinion was that I had basically no say in the conversation because I am (admittedly) a bit of an outsider. Now, as the person on my end, pulled into many "interesting" situations with the fam on a regular basis, I'd pretty much earned the right to be myself. However, I always made sure I stayed respectful. When this person escalated in front of everyone, they lost some of their mutual respect, which led to my feeling kind of publicly humiliated.
For some reason, this is the worst thing you can do to me if you want me to stay respectful. It's probably in my top two of the best things to do to get me riled. And I'm a redhead...when we get riled, by golly, we get riled.
My response? (Word for word.) "I love you, and I respect you, but you're not my _____. All do respect, but I don't have to listen to that." I'm not gonna lie...it did not necessarily go over well. But, I did not compromise my standpoint, and walked away without the guilt of being rude. You need to be able to sleep well at night, to put aside upsetting or exciting things, and sleep.
At the end of the day, that's all you can ask for.
The phrase often repeated by my dad (and brought up in a previous comment) growing up, sometimes jokingly, most of the time purposefully... With five kids in the same house there was a lot of cause for this mantra.
So many different opinions arise in the presence of more than one person, that sometimes it can be hard to "maintain your cool" when someone is blatantly disagreeing with you, and maybe even doing so disrespectfully. As far as relationships with parents, I have a pretty good relationship with mine. We've always been pretty honest with each other, and even when we disagree, we try to do so respectfully. By this I mean that I'm "grown up" and make my own decisions, and my mom knows that. I almost always ask my mom's opinion, however, because on the other hand of my independent learning, she's done it all before. She knows what she's talking about most of the time, and is not just blowing smoke.
The guideline I try to always use is mutual (you're gonna get tired of this word) respect. Respect the fact that the other person (family member) is their own person, and they are going to think what they think regardless of what you say. And in regards to weddings, they are probably going to keep wanting what they want. On the other hand, so are you, and that doesn't mean you have to back down.
Basically, remember to listen. Listen to the ideas being bounced around, listen to the reasoning behind them, and then decide. The key word is listen, but if you still feel the same way, there are respectful ways of saying that you understand and are still going to go with your decision. This DOES apply to a wedding. And if you have particularly difficult in-laws or particularly difficult parents, at the end of the day, it's your wedding, your set of memories and photos, and you should enjoy it.
Now, this doesn't mean you should be an unreasonable bridezilla or a relentless groom, but you don't want to get to the big day, and look around you and realize that nothing you wanted materialized. Knowing how to say, "No.", respectfully (again, sorry for the repetitive use of the word) is important.
Given, this is much easier said than done. And to use another, maybe tired-out phrase, "Do unto others..." Try and understand where the other person is coming from. It really does help you be more understanding and kind in your words (uh-oh..starting to sound a bit preachy) when you're disagreeing with someone.
To use a personal example, so I don't come across as the all-talk, "do-this, do-that" chick trying to give everyone my "great advice", I had dinner tonight with my boyfriend's family. It was trying, to say the least. But isn't every family in its own way? At one point, someone of authority (sorry for the vagueness) was offended by something I had said. A little background: what I said is of no importance, but I think the person's opinion was that I had basically no say in the conversation because I am (admittedly) a bit of an outsider. Now, as the person on my end, pulled into many "interesting" situations with the fam on a regular basis, I'd pretty much earned the right to be myself. However, I always made sure I stayed respectful. When this person escalated in front of everyone, they lost some of their mutual respect, which led to my feeling kind of publicly humiliated.
For some reason, this is the worst thing you can do to me if you want me to stay respectful. It's probably in my top two of the best things to do to get me riled. And I'm a redhead...when we get riled, by golly, we get riled.
My response? (Word for word.) "I love you, and I respect you, but you're not my _____. All do respect, but I don't have to listen to that." I'm not gonna lie...it did not necessarily go over well. But, I did not compromise my standpoint, and walked away without the guilt of being rude. You need to be able to sleep well at night, to put aside upsetting or exciting things, and sleep.
At the end of the day, that's all you can ask for.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Family Politics
So I just got back a couple days ago from the Long Island wedding I was in this month, and let me tell you, I have learned so much.
A little background on the subject matter at hand:
Weddings apparently are only times of joy the day of the actual wedding...or after they are over.
With all the family and extended family that is involved, weddings can be a lot of work, not to mention a lot of money, to put together. This latest experience might really be enough to convince me to elope. About four or five years ago, my mom told me she'd give me a good down-payment on a house to elope. It's tempting. Very tempting.
I had to think to myself, if it is this hard for a family with no divorce or step-anything's then how hard would it be coming from a background of two sets of parents? Just the thought of getting my mom and dad in the same room as each other stresses me out.* And as far as the in-laws? That is an entirely different set of needs and wants.
They say the wedding is for the bride, and the honeymoon for the groom. Mentiras! (Lies!) There should be say from both on both occasions. And there are rules! Here I thought all of our mommies raised us well, but apparently good breeding is not nationwide like your cellular plan. It's sad, also, that families where there might be relational and communication problems, can't forget their 2 decade feuds for the couple's day at hand; it's not called a joyous occasion, tongue-in-cheek...it really is supposed to be a blast! (Note to those thinking of a dry wedding: unless this is deeply engrained in your religion...shame on you. If nothing else, it helps the wedding party get through the damned thing without having a nervous breakdown with the bride.)
Right now, I'm hungry, but I promise next time I'll throw in some details on how to stay politically sound in a wedding...while having a good time.
But the rule of thumb to chant to yourself until then: COMPROMISE! It's not a huge deal to not get EVERYthing you want...This goes for MOMS AND DADS TOO!!! Make sure that you can truly be able to let go and just enjoy the ride...your last months of single-hood with your fam and friends, the day of, and the trip (or whatever) afterwards.
Have a good night, and those tips will be coming in soon.
Mel
*Note to readers: comments about my family are not made to bash any mentioned parties in anyway...merely to provide experience and understanding into my insights.
A little background on the subject matter at hand:
Weddings apparently are only times of joy the day of the actual wedding...or after they are over.
With all the family and extended family that is involved, weddings can be a lot of work, not to mention a lot of money, to put together. This latest experience might really be enough to convince me to elope. About four or five years ago, my mom told me she'd give me a good down-payment on a house to elope. It's tempting. Very tempting.
I had to think to myself, if it is this hard for a family with no divorce or step-anything's then how hard would it be coming from a background of two sets of parents? Just the thought of getting my mom and dad in the same room as each other stresses me out.* And as far as the in-laws? That is an entirely different set of needs and wants.
They say the wedding is for the bride, and the honeymoon for the groom. Mentiras! (Lies!) There should be say from both on both occasions. And there are rules! Here I thought all of our mommies raised us well, but apparently good breeding is not nationwide like your cellular plan. It's sad, also, that families where there might be relational and communication problems, can't forget their 2 decade feuds for the couple's day at hand; it's not called a joyous occasion, tongue-in-cheek...it really is supposed to be a blast! (Note to those thinking of a dry wedding: unless this is deeply engrained in your religion...shame on you. If nothing else, it helps the wedding party get through the damned thing without having a nervous breakdown with the bride.)
Right now, I'm hungry, but I promise next time I'll throw in some details on how to stay politically sound in a wedding...while having a good time.
But the rule of thumb to chant to yourself until then: COMPROMISE! It's not a huge deal to not get EVERYthing you want...This goes for MOMS AND DADS TOO!!! Make sure that you can truly be able to let go and just enjoy the ride...your last months of single-hood with your fam and friends, the day of, and the trip (or whatever) afterwards.
Have a good night, and those tips will be coming in soon.
Mel
*Note to readers: comments about my family are not made to bash any mentioned parties in anyway...merely to provide experience and understanding into my insights.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)